I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
