Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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