What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
