alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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