i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
