On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
