I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
