I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
