I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
