went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She told me I should be a condom model.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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