JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
