It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
