I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Randomize
