why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
