there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
