I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
