She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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