I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just want to make out with him forever
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
