it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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