you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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