So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
