I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
