Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
