Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
