We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
