I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
