so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize
