omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
