hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
