I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
