Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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