just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Operation Purity has been aborted
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
