You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
it's like heaven, but drunker
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
