I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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