I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
