Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
