So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
