i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
