Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
