it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
