When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
