I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
