guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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