Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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