All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
