I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
