My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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