this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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