there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
