Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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